I am standing at the kitchen counter filling up my clean glass with cherry soda and I listen to the thoughts in my head . I tell myself hurry up and drink this you need to finish the 2 liter tomorrow is the day you finally want to start your diet . I laugh silently to myself and think YEA great another thing to worry about how odd i want to go and write about this diet process and here i am in the kitchen already worried about what not to eat tomorrow and what to finish today . I hate that .I hate this I hate every day before the diet . I hate looking around at my half eaten meals and seeing all the food that will be my challenge tomorrow. I think about the moment in my life where food never affected me there was that one time when .. wait that sucks there has never been a  time . I am either running to food or from it . I am either thinking of how im gonna get it or how im gonna avoid it .

2 years ago I thought I had this whole lifestyle thing licked . I had cleared out my cupboard changed my fridge and forbid any food in the home . I never ate in the bedrooms or on couches and i only ate what i knew was healthy . Boy was i sexy my clothes fit great my body was fabulous and i knew it . I had lost 120 pounds . I cried many nights had headaches and fought through it with a passion . Then I look at today . If i took a picture of all the crap food in my home you would be sick .Theres pizza from the pizza place taco bags from the taco place there's danish's and cookies and 2liters of soda . My water jug sits full and the soda is half gone . Its horrible .

What is more horrible i the fact that i know how to lose weight im a "pro". I help other people do it . I inspire tons of those around me . And now ima  mess . I gained back 50 pounds of the 120 . My treadmill and my yoga ball have dust on them and none of my clothes fit . I have resorted back to sweats and pony tails and I am sad . My head knows the right things to do . My body is SCREAMING at me to stop ! Stop doing the habits that are killing you . Stop eating the foods you dont even like .. and yet even tonight as I tossed and turned in bed and told myself over and over again tomorrow is day 1 you can do it i STILL found myself standing at the counter pouring the soda thinking about what not to eat . I hate it . I hate this . I cant be the only one that goes through this .WHY am i gong through this how .. All tell you why a big part of why . HE weighs 150 pounds soaking wet he lays in my bed and he changed everything . He eats everything i dont . He trys to put on weight I try to lose and he drives me nuts . He moved in we will  call him Mr.Sweet he moved in 18 months ago and I gained back weight every month . I begged him to leave the bacon burgers in the kitchen PLEASE Dont bring them to the bedroom at 2 am but he just yelled " I am a man all eat in my home where i need to " My.Sweet looms in my head all the time . My battle with obesity didnt matter anymore I now battle his ego . My battle with success went out when he came in . I see many women i hear many story's of people trying to change and it being impossible with there family's . I just never thought id be one of those. I do the "right things" i buy the healthy foods and he buys his foods I make and eat separate foods and i try but most days i now feel sad . I thought my kids would grow up to family dinners and weekend breakfasts now they see mom struggling with food  again and dad stuffing his face . I find myself back lost in the battle of emotional eating instead of eating to live and i find myself here . Online at 349am telling myself tomorrow will be day1 tomorrow you will find the strength to battle the demons and deal with life .. So Welcome to my page please support me and share if you as well are on this journey . I intend to try and vent here not just about food but about life and maybe we can watch a miracle take place again . Maybe once more all pull through this amazing journey and find the joy and peace I  crave .